I was umming and ahhing for days about whether to write this post, but I have always been a firm believer that getting your thoughts straight will help you in the long run, and make you realise how far you have come. And if anyone has ever been through something similar, then I want them to know you are doing incredibly well, even if you don’t see it.
Yesterday marked the year anniversary that we sadly lost one of my best friends. It was the hardest day I have ever had to face, made even harder by the fact it was totally unexpected. This time last year felt not only as though a huge part of me was missing, but also that the wound of losing someone so close to you, would never heal.
To me, the wound is still very much there: In time, I have managed to stitch parts of it back together, helped massively by the support net I have around me; but from time to time the stitches break open, and I am left to relive the whole situation again.
It was and still is totally surreal that she isn’t here: We were talking 10 minutes before, had seen each other two days before and were discussing plans for the summer. And within 24 hours, our lives had changed forever.
Because I never thought something like this would ever happen, I had no idea how to react. In many ways, I am still in denial that that fateful night ever happened and in my head I sometimes think I made the whole thing up; that everything will be perfect again when I wake up or that it was all a mistake.
I always said from the start that I hoped I would feel happy again, but it will always be a different kind of happy: A kind of happiness that is laced with feelings that one of the people you thought you would share your wedding day with, introduce to your children and have by your side throughout anything, will not be around.
In the last year so much has changed. I have made incredible friends, memories I will cherish forever, and come much further than I ever thought possible; but with this happiness comes overwhelming guilt. A remorse that one particular person won’t be here to celebrate life’s crazy rollercoaster of emotions with me. Someone that you thought was in it for the long run with you.
Something that has come out of this whole situation is my changed outlook on life. Although my anxiety and depression have been at a lifelong high, I have managed to reduce my fears in other areas, and live a whole lot kinder and compassionately. I still have a long way to go but my path is going in the right direction.
Unfortunately, we never know when our time will be up: Tell the people you love how much they mean to you; don’t argue with your boyfriend over something that means nothing in the long run; leave a job if it is making you unhappy – life is too short not to grab each day as it comes and learn to appreciate all of the little things that you might ordinarily take for granted.
My best friend lived just like this. Nothing phased her – she was fearless, a breath of fresh air, always putting others before herself and never letting life get on top of her.
She is one of a kind.
A true shining star.
No life on earth would have been perfect enough.