Let’s start at the beginning.
At times, life can be amazing: You have your family, your friends, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your husband, your wife, travel, memories, experiences that shape you as an individual, make you smile, make you laugh until you cry and anything and everything in between. Life is something that you have to make the most of and by doing that, you feel fulfilled and happy, which is all we ever want.
Life is crazy, unexpected and beautiful: It’s something that is gifted to us and there are so many incredible places to see and so many exciting things to do that the world really is our oyster. The more we put into our lives, the more we get out of it which is definitely a sort of mantra I try to live by.
But at the same time, life can be really fucking tough (excuse my French) and can make you crumble into a million different pieces and emotions that you never even thought were possible. The unexpectedness can shock you into a sense of the unknown, not being able to trust that you will come out of the other side. It’s happened to me, it’s happened to people I know and it’s happened to strangers close to home and around the world.
One of the worst cliches I have ever heard is that time heals all wounds, and although I do believe that tragedies do get easy the more time that passes (or maybe that we learn how to deal with our emotions better?) our wounds never fully heal, as our lives are without that person or that one experience that meant so much to us.
Human beings are resilient little things, it has to be said, and we learn to bounce back from disaster whether it takes a month or a decade, and although bouncing back is a huge step in itself, sometimes we can fall right back into the sense of the unfamiliar causing a sense of anxiety and uneasiness.
One of the best things about life is the unexpected twists and turns that can lead you on a completely different path; a path that you didn’t even know existed, but a path that could either be a make it or break it experience for you, or one that leads you to a place that you never knew existed, which could either be positive or not.
When my best friend passed away two years ago today, I thought I would never bounce back. It was completely out of the blue and unexpected; but here I am today, having accepted that even the nicest people in the world can have horrible things happen to them – and although I’m not saying I’m one of them, I do believe that I didn’t do anything to experience such heartbreak and that I needed to give myself a break.
During that time I was scared: Scared to open up about my feelings in case I offended someone who was going through something that was worse than me; scared to be vulnerable, but also scared to show that sometimes I was doing ok, and getting through to the other side in case people judged me and expected me to be sadder than I was – but in reality, we all go through these things in our own personal way, and no one knows how you are coping but yourself.
I feared the unknown because I was scared my life could be shaken up all over again but I also felt guilty to live how I wanted to live. I felt guilty if people saw me out and I looked happy: I felt guilty to laugh or enjoy myself: I felt guilty to get on with living my life, but in reality that is all she would have ever wanted.
Life can be a whole host of overwhelming emotions and taking the time to realise this and how to react to them is definitely something I have learnt more in the past couple of years than ever before. Grief may alter us as people, but in the long run, we are still the same person deep down, and we can’t lose sight of that. Life does go on, and as selfish as you might think you are being, you need to make the most of your days on this earth.
Two years have passed since the worst day of my life, and although there are times where I feel down and I go back to that night, I’m also so proud of how far I’ve come, and even reading this post from last year has cemented the fact that I am doing ok.
We can’t predict the future, and as scary as that may be as it might hold a whole array of mixed emotions, it can also be an exciting epitome that you have no idea what is around the corner. Fearing the unexpected is completely and utterly normal but it also exhausting and zaps your energy of how you really want to live your life, and how happy you could become if you lived in the moment.
No one is taught how to deal with the rollercoaster of emotions that life throws at you, that’s the beauty of having your own experiences and growing up, but at the end of the day, you are a fucking awesome human being, whether you have been through the mill and back or not, it doesn’t matter – you are incredible and don’t you ever forget it.