This might not be the post that some of you were expecting me to write due to recent events, but in a way it is linked (or at least it is in my head…) To write that post, I want to take time to put into writing all the thoughts that are whizzing around my head, so for now I thought I would write this one, to attempt to clear out my brain as much as possible.
It came up on my timehop today that I graduated three years ago, and in those three years my life has changed so much. If I track back to that day I can remember the feelings of nervousness, concentration to not fall when getting my script and the overriding thoughts that I would never be a student again and my adult life was starting. At the time I had already been offered a job in the Head Office of the company I had worked at throughout uni. It wasn’t my dream job by any means but it meant I was earning money and had structure after 3 years of student life.
I remember thinking after my first week of work that I can’t imagine how much longer I would be able to do it. I had worked full time through my summers, but this felt different. I was having to use my brain (I know, shock!), learn things that were completely new to me and nothing in my degree had prepared me for this level of tiredness or anxiety of getting things wrong. I used to fall asleep when I got home at half 5 for hours. I felt like I couldn’t see my friends in the evening because I had no energy, and probably at least once a week I wanted to quit to go travelling and see the world instead of being tied down to a 9-5 job.
But then it dawned on me that I couldn’t. I mean I could have easily quit my job, got a loan and travelled the world, but that wasn’t my path when I was 23. I don’t know if it ever will be, but I knew I was meant to have a career at that point of my life and stay as grounded as possible.
For anyone reading this not knowing where their life is going to lead them, I can hold my hand up and say it does get easier. I have written posts before about jobs being ‘stop gaps’ for when you finish uni to when you start a proper career doing something you love, and I am 100% an advocate that you job doesn’t define you. Yes it is nice to have an identity and to be able to say to someone, I’m Ellie, I’m a policewoman, I’m a doctor, I’m an estate agent, I’m in PR (side note, I am none of those things…) but no matter what job you do, there are many more things that define who you are as a person.
If I were to introduce myself to someone now compared to when I was 23, it would be completely different: I mean I would still say, I’m Ellie, 26, with still no idea about what life is about, which I’m sure won’t change in the next few years at least, but I am also so many other things; a part time (emphasis on the part time atm) blogger, a best friend, an anxiety sufferer, a girlfriend, a cat mother, a daughter and someone who is also striving to live their life to the fullest whether it be tomorrow or 10 years from now.
Right now my life is so different to what it was 3 years ago. Back then I didn’t have a care in the world, was going on holidays left, right and centre, money didn’t mean much to me, and I was counting down the days to the weekend where I could finally be myself and live the life I had when I was a student. But now my life is different in a good way. I am in a stable relationship, with savings, a joint account and plans to buy my first home with my boyfriend. This may not be where I saw myself, but I feel content with the person I am becoming.
And maybe one day I will sell everything I own and buggar off around the globe. Maybe one day I’ll move to a different city and start a new chapter there. Maybe one day I’ll start my own business and conquer the world… but right now I am surrounded by the friends and family who I need and who need me. We are all going through such a tough time, and for the foreseeable future it may never get easier, but we are doing what we do best which is relying on the support of each other and surrounding ourselves in love.
If this post doesn’t make sense it’s only because my head is a continuation of memories, emotions and grief right now, but it has helped even the tiniest bit to write and finish something meaningful to me xx